WOW! Yes, I think that's what I had this morning - a major meltdown after TOTALLY surrendering my marriage to God. As you all know and may remember from my last blog, I had been "talking" a small bit with my husband through e-mail. However, it has been several days since he has written and I just had to accept that, perhaps he isn't going to write anymore. I decided that I had to TRULY AND FINALLY, COMPLETELY let go of it and give it to God. So I did. I sat down and wrote my husband what I called a final e-mail - however, IF he were to answer me and tell me that he wanted to talk, I let him know that I am still here for him and still willing to talk - but the "ball is in his court" as they say. I'm thinking that I may just share the e-mail here with everyone (and let people judge me as they want) for the simple fact that I truly have nothing to hide and I am truly letting go of this and leaving it in God's hands. If ANYONE sees or hears me trying to pick it back up again, I expect that person to hold me accountable and remind me that I have to leave it alone. But, before I share the e-mail I want to share what happened after I wrote it.
As I was writing it, I was squalling my eyes out. It hurts sooooooo bad. After I hit the "send" button the tears (I guess I should say "body shaking, gut-wrenching sobs") really came. Here I was, supposed to be getting ready for church and I could do nothing but sob and sob because I felt like my heart was being ripped right out of me. I cried, "I can't go to church this morning. I can't go anywhere like this!" Yet, at the same time, God was helping me. He gave me a friend I could call (thanks for being there Sharon) and she did nothing much but listen to me sob for a bit, then she told me to remember Psalm 23 and even had me say it with her. By the time I got off the phone, the sobs had subsided and I knew I had to get ready for church. I felt soooooooo much lighter - like such a heavy weight had been lifted and this song kept going through my mind. I don't know the name of it and don't even know that much of the song but it's a Southern Gospel song and the part that was going through my mind was "Sing, (da da da da da da da), Sing, when there's nothing left to do - (something something something) - just throw back your head and sing!" Now, when the song is playing I can sing right along with it but for the life of me right now about all I could think of was "Sing......sing.......just throw back your head and sing!" I KNEW I had to get to church and take my place with the praise team and SING!!! By this time, it's almost 10:30 and I still had to get a shower and wash my hair - and be at church by 11:00!!!! I said, "Lord, if You really want me there this morning, You better put me in fast motion!" And He did - I was walking in the church door at 11:00 and everyone was still standing around talking - PRAISE GOD!!! But I haven't even got to the BEST part yet. Now, we had just practiced Thursday night, but I truly didn't even remember what we were singing as our special (the song before the message) until we got to it. Don't know if any of you know this song or not, but it is called "I Trust You, Lord". It took all I could do not to bust out laughing - GOD IS SOOOOOOO GOOD!!!! He was reminding me AGAIN right then and there to just TRUST HIM!!!! I smiled through the whole song - yes, a tear or two slipped through, but a different kind of tear this time - a tear of gratefulness for His continued attentiveness to me. And the REALLY neat thing about it (to me anyway) was that the first two lines of this song is a solo that I do, so it was just really extra special this morning in that I was totally unaware of anyone else being in that church - I felt as if God was standing right in front of me and I was singing straight to Him, telling Him that I trust Him - and I meant every word of it. I know that I CAN trust Him but He wanted me to totally release everything to Him of my own free will. He will not rip anything away from any of us - no matter how bad it might be for us - but if we will WILLINGLY give it to Him and TRULY LET GO, He will gladly take it and love us through the hurt that may come from letting go of it. I know - He did it for me and I know He will do it for anyone else. I have truly felt so much lighter in my heart today - don't misunderstand - it still hurts, really hurts, but God is loving me through it. And every day that I leave it alone and let Him take care of it, the pain will get less and less. And I know that I can trust Him with whatever the outcome may be.
Now - here is a copy of the e-mail I sent to my husband (and I sent a copy to his sister that he lived with for a while when he left me because I wanted her to know what I'd sent him). I am doing my best to do everything the right way and that is why I have chosen to share this e-mail with everyone - so that everyone knows exactly what I said and I expect you all to hold me accountable to leaving this in God's hands. Thank you in advance to everyone for being there for me. Here's the e-mail I sent:
(Jo, your note is at the end but I pray you will read what I've written to Jeff, also)
Okay Jeff - I don't understand why you quit talking again. I can't worry about it though. I've told you how I feel - I have forgiven you for smoking pot in our own backyard and involving Jessica in it (which she should NOT have done – so, no, I do NOT blame you for that - only for your part in it) and I have forgiven you for leaving here without even a goodbye or anything letting me know you were gone. I believe we can work things out - neither one of us has done anything so unforgivable that we couldn't work through it. You seem to think, though, that somehow I took all your "money". I didn't - you know I didn't - but I don't even care about that. I know Who I have to answer to and I know I didn't do anything like that. Yeah, sure, I probably spent SOME that I shouldn't have - mostly on you when I bought that guitar for you and on groceries because I was too ashamed (or whatever you want to call it) to tell you that I didn't have enough money for groceries. None of that matters or is such a big deal that it couldn't be worked out. However, you don't seem to be interested.
So, I'm writing this to let you know that you don't have to worry about me bothering you anymore. HOWEVER - I AM STILL HERE AND STILL READY AND WILLING TO TALK ANY TIME YOU DECIDE YOU MIGHT WANT TO. For all I know, you are already living with someone else and that's why you don't want to try to work things out. All I know is that you are MY husband and you WILL have to answer to the Lord if you don't even give us a chance. I am so proud of you and proud that you are taking classes to become a minister - but I don't understand how you think you will be able to minister to people about FORGIVENESS and COMMITMENT when you aren't even willing to honor those two things yourself.
I still love you and always will. I still believe that God put us together and always will believe that. As I've said before, though, He does give us each free will and if you choose to abandon me that is your choice and you will answer to Him for that. I know that we could make it and have a strong marriage and ministry, if you would only be willing to talk. Sure, it's not gonna happen overnight, but anything worth having is worth fighting for. I'm not giving up on you or our marriage. I just don't want YOU to think that I'M harassing you, so I will not bother you anymore. I STILL want to come see you at Thanksgiving and spend Thanksgiving with you and your (OUR) family - but I will only come if you write and tell me you want me there. I will not go where I am not welcome.
I feel that I've done all I can do so I have to let go now and leave it in God's hands - He can make a way but you have to be willing also. I'm praying that you will see that we need to talk face-to-face before this goes to court and not on court day. I love you more than I'll ever be able to show you - but the fact that I'm willing to leave my job only 5 years short of retirement to go and be with you should have been a BIG clue to you of just how much I am willing to do to make this work. I don't know what else I can to do to show you that I love you and support you - except to leave you alone now since that is what you seem to want. I'm sorry I was such a bother to you. I pray that one day you will be able to forgive me for all the little wrong things I did to you and any big wrong things that I may have done. I never knew it could hurt so much to have to tell someone goodbye. My only consolation is that, even though I have to say goodbye for now, I WILL at least get to see you on court day and maybe on that day you will be able to look me in the face and tell me what I did that was so unforgivable.
I love you :)
P.S. Jo, I sent you a copy of this only because I wanted you to know how much I truly love your brother. I know you probably don't believe me because I read all of the hurtful, though untrue, things that he has written you about me and my family. I never wanted to hurt anyone. All I ever wanted was to be a loving wife and I seem to have screwed that up pretty much. I know God has forgiven me for the things I did wrong and can only pray that one day you and Jeff will do the same. I love you both with all my heart.
I do wish that you would each let me know you received and read this e-mail but I don't hold out much hope for that - I will just have to trust God with it.
Thank you all for "listening" to me. I pray you will all have a blessed day (or night - depending on when you read this - LOL)
GOD IS IN CONTROL AND I'M SO GLAD HE IS :) :) :)